Dear Ask Y and X

Dear Ask Y and X,

Coincidentally I read your blog today and you are talking about what I like to refer to as dead beat dads; I know because I have one.

I am a single mom of 2 children, boy 6 and girl 8. My husband and I divorced last year and it hasn't been pretty since then. He takes the kids two weekends a month and that's all. For the first 3 or 4 months he did give me money for the kids and then it just stopped. I am always asking him for help financially and with the kids after school activities. He always thinks it's my responsibility to leave my job when the kids are sick at school, pick them up from sport activities and provide for them financially. It has gotten so bad that my bills are behind because I have to make sure all my kids things are paid for and they do need to eat. He acts as if I had them by myself. But what has really got me heated is recently my kids came home and complained they didn't want to go back to their dad's again because his new girlfriend doesn't like them. She always telling them to stay in their room and don't make any noise. When I confronted him about it he had nothing to say. I told him I wouldn't let the kids come over if they are being mistreated. He says I'm over reacting no one is being mistreated. He just doesn't understand just because she's not hitting them verbal is still mistreatment. My kids says she says things to them in a mean tone. I'm not saying my kids are angels but they aren't bad either. They are friendly children and I have taught them to respect everyone. My friends that have kept my kids has never had issues and their teachers always compliments how good they are. That leads me to believe it's her that's got the problem. I will not tolerate my kids being mistreated or feeling uncomfortable, I can just keep them at home. And no they don't have an issue with my husband and I separating. It's not like he was the best father when he lived with us either, but at least he helped out more. I don't know what to do at this point. I am so overwhelmed with everything, I can't think straight. I would like your feedback and what you think.

Yours Truly,

Fed Up!


P.S Love the posts, keep them coming. I have told all my friends about it.

Why must we have drama....pt II (men)

Seems as though "Why must we have drama" stirred up a lot of emotions and there are many requests to discuss the male side. No problem here, so let's discuss.

Why is it after the relationship ends it becomes the mother that is now the acting role of mother AND father? So many single woman are left with the pressures of maintaining the households, bills, and raising the child(ren) alone. To make matters worse there are a high number of males that do not make good efforts to help out financially or spend time with the child(ren). The women are left chasing them to get them to do right by the child(ren) or result to putting them on child support. Why should a parent need to be chased down to take care of their responsibilties? Or why should one have to do it alone? Children don't asked to be here so there should be no reason they have to suffer the consequences made by the parties that created them.

He cheated....now what?

There is clear evidence that your husband/boyfriend has disrespected your relationship. You have had an uneasy feeling that something isn't right between the two of you lately; which drives you to start snooping around. Now you have found yourself checking voicemails, text messages and e-mail. Ah-ha! You have stumbled onto what you have been looking for, but now that you see it is that what you wanted to find. E-mails of conversations with other women, that are obviously more than just platonic friends. Even meeting dates they have had. What do you do? Will you approach him about this; but wait you snooped so are you in the wrong to say something. Or will you just ignore it as if it never happened because you want to keep your man? You know he cheated.....but now what?

I am only there for the sex

The relationship is not so great, but it's not horrible either. The best thing about the relationship is the sex. We don't have any complaints in the bedroom, we do it all the time any and everywhere. And my partner does all kind of wild things that's hard to find someone else to do. We have a good time hanging out as friends we club, party and drink/smoke together; but there are no plans of marriage in the future. I just don't have those kind of feelings. Matter of fact if the sex wasn't so good I would have been left. I sometimes date other people my partner doesn't know about. Now she's pregnant! She wants to get married and have a family. Only she doesn't know how I really feel. I know this is going to hurt her, but I don't want to marry her. I'm not sure if I should tell her or when it's a good time; she is really excited about this. Mean while I wish this was a nightmare I could wake up from.

Why must we have drama

Starting a new relationship with someone with children can be difficult enough with out the added drama from the ex. This can be a little uncomfortable for everyone involved. So what makes women so bitter and angry with the new woman? Can't we all just get along ;-). Obviously it's over between the two of you and he has decided to move on, so at this point it needs to be what's best for the child(ren). If he has met one woman he feels like it could work out with and want to introduce the child(ren) to her, why is it an issue. There are all of these rules all of a sudden, and the number one is don't have my child(ren) around no other women. So now you can only see your child(ren) at the ex house; why does that make sense? Or why does the ex have to be nasty to the new girlfriend, calling the house being rude, making un-necessary comments, or the worse calling her out her name. Is it the new girlfriends' fault your relationship didn't work? Wouldn't it be a good idea to at least try to get along with the person that is going to be spending time with your child(ren); find out who she is and how she is when around the child(ren). Fighting the situation will only make it worse for everyone. Especially when the end result will remain he has moved on and so should you.

Am I not good enough to marry

You have a better chance of catching small pox versus getting married. Are women a plague, or some awful disease men are afraid to catch. Being in a relationship is already a battle at times. You try to bring up the "M" word and it's like you said something foreign. They avoid the conversation totally or it's never the right time. After several years of being in a relationship and it appears to the woman you have something great but to men it's like ::sigh:: ok well guess we may as well go ahead and get married. Or all my friends women have trapped them so I may as well join the crowd. Sorry if that was a proposal you can keep that. Women wait a life time for that one special moment a man asks that question. Really, who wants to be a "may as well" or "nothing else to do"?

I want my man back

Dear Ask Y and X,

I love your site, I first saw your writings on Brownsista(www.brownsista.com) and thought how great it is to talk or secretly vent about real life situations.

Any way I have a situation I want to share and I hope you post it so I can see what others opinions are and get their comments.

I'm a 33 year old woman in love with a man already in a relationship. He isn't aware of my feelings I don't think. I met him through a friend at a party. We saw each other a few times again at other functions and eventually exchanged numbers. We began talking on the phone a lot about everything, he is a fun person to talk to. He told me he has 2 kids and he also has a girlfriend(not the mother of his children). I also have two kids so I suggested he attend a birthday party with me and bring his kids. Since then we hang out all the time, at least 4 to 5 times a week. He is fun and exciting to be around, and we can talk about anything. Now I am wanting more of his time all the time and want more of a relationship rather than friendship with him. He is kind, funny and sexy. Why didn't I meet him sooner.

Well one day I decided I would tell him my feelings so I stopped by his house. I knew he was there because his car was there, but there was also another car in his driveway. I didn't think anything of it so I rang the door bell. He answered and had a surprised look on his face, like oh shit. It seems that other car was his girlfriend. That just made me so mad to see him there with her. He should be my man, I can treat him better. Plus we have a lot in common. Although we don't speak of her much, he hasn't said that he wants to leave her and has never spoke negatively of her. But I figured we were getting closer so eventually she would be out the picture. Well he asked me to leave and said I shouldn't have just came by like that. I told him I tried to call but he didn't answer. Guess it was like when he's with me and don't answer, I just assume it's her calling. My feelings were so hurt, I just cried and said I thought we were going to be together. Again he just asked me to leave.

Now that his girlfriend has figured I am the woman he's been spending so much time with I think she's mad and is leaving him. He didn't say too much just that we could no longer be friends because it's affecting his relationship. I told him let her leave and be with me and that I love him. He said maybe us being friends wasn't such a good idea. But I don't believe that he wants to stop seeing me. I think he loves me too.

What should I do next?

Can having single friends influence the relationship

Your partner clubs or hangs out frequently with his/her friend; and sometimes carries late hours. The friend is constantly asking your partner to go out but your never invited. This friend is always giving bad relationship advice. When you approach your partner about their behavior it causes arguments. But your partners friend is single, so could this be what the issue is. Can your partner having a single friend have an influence on your relationship?

Celebrating the GOOD men

It seems to be the natural to discuss the drama and some how the negative gets most of the focus. Today we are going to talk about the positive. I have been inspired to talk about the GOOD men that are out here and get very little recognition. The hard working, motivated, ambitious, non cheating, honest and kind men. The men that are positive role models, good fathers, open doors and have pillow talk. Yes there are some still some stand up men and they should be acknowledged. Let's celebrate the good men.

We can get back to the drama tomorrow.

Thank you to the good man in my life that inspired me to write this.

Share something positive about your man.

Should you stay in a relationship because you have kids?

A lot of individuals go into relationships or stay in relationships they don't want to because they have a child or children. Then there are the couples that get married not because they feel it's what I want to do but it's the right thing to do for the child(ren). Especially when the relationships aren't good ones and your not happy. Should having children determine your relationship status?

How do you know if your man is on the Down Low?

There is a big epidemic going on with men on the Down Low that has a lot of women wondering how do I know if my man is one of them. Bi-Sexual men are trying hard to be discreet with the lifestyle they lead hence the terminology "Down Low". They are married, have families and portray to be the straight male at all cost. I have read articles from men that remained anonymous stating due their careers they can not come out and say they were gay or bisexual claiming society isn't ready for men to be honest about their sexual preferences and would not be accepted. Is this a cop out? How would you know if your man is on the Down Low, are their signs? Let's not talk about the obvious men with the switch in the walk, high pitched voice, arched eyebrows. I mean the ones that work over time to protect their secret.

How do you know if your man is on the Down Low?

Is it okay to gain weight in relationship?

We all would like our mates to stay the same through out the relationship as the first day we met. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen.

At what pound is too much to handle? Why not after maybe 10 to 15 pounds weight gain a conversation takes place in a nice considerate manner because we don’t just wake up one morning 30 pounds heavier. How about offering to exercise together. I know the women may be a little sensitive about the weight subject, especially if after having kids. But I think the person would appreciate it better if there was a plan to handle the task together rather than insulting remarks or going out to cheat. Running away from the issue never solves anything; try resolving the issue first before it gets out of control. Again, communication is golden.

Tell me your story, have you had this battle with weight gain. Is it okay to gain weight in the relationship?

How do I tell my partner I'm not sexually satisfied?

I think honesty is the best policy. And in relationships communication can solve most issues. I have a question from one of my readers; how do you tell your partner you are not sexually satisfied? She is unsure where to begin. As well all know this is a touchy subject to have.

I would like to hear your suggestions please.

I think I was tricked into marriage!

Your in a relationship whether it's 6 months or a couple years and you decide to move in with your partner. After you have found your new place or decide who moves in with who, you get hit with the family saying you must get married now NO SHACKING.

In the last few months I have heard several stories about this situation happening. How does that subject escape to be discussed. Or did your partner tell you and it feel on deaf ears? So now the pressure is on after living with your partner for a few weeks sometimes days because the family is breathing down your neck about a wedding date. Strange thing is you "think" you want to marry that person but you want to test the living arrangements first. Now dates are scheduled and before long you find yourself standing at the alter saying I Do. But your thinking, Do I?

Months pass and you realize maybe you didn't really know this person at all. He/She wasn't like this when we had separate places, who is this person. Those ugly traits have appeared, lazy, sloppy, selfish, needy, bad credit, no more sex, irresponsible with paying bills. No real thought was put into getting married it was just acted on due to the pressure so you just acted on it. Now your thinking maybe marriage was too soon; I wasn't ready for this. What do I do? Why did I agree if I wasn't sure? I think I was tricked into marriage!

Do you know anyone this has happened to, or did it happen to you. Please share your story, Ask Y and X wants to know.

Do Independent women make men feel inadequate?

Too many times have I heard women say their independence sometimes affects the relationships they're in. Can a woman that knows what she wants, has goals and ambition hurt a man's ego?

Ladies, how many of you have found that men act like it's a crime to be independent. If you meet a single woman that is already established with her own home and can take care of herself; why is it expected that she should let her independence go and totally depend on the man. I don't see what's wrong with a woman having her life together, having goals and ambition. Of course woman should compromise in a relationship that shouldn't be an issue. But a woman should not be considered selfish because sometimes it's hard to let go of her independence. If you have been taking care of things for so long, it may be hard to be submissive in a relationship. It's not bad thing to make sure you are taken care of. And why should is it wrong for a woman to feel like they need to make sure they can continue to take care of things just in case the relationship does not work.

Men you can still provide for your woman with out her giving up her independence. There should be no hard feelings if you're dating a woman that is strong, motivated and get things done on her own. Really what do expect if you met her this way, it's hard to make the transition; try putting yourself in her shoes maybe you will get a better understanding. Men you have to understand this isn't the old days where you go bring home the bacon, women now can bring home the bacon too. It's not that women don't need you, it's just different times when single women have been put in that position to do it for yourself. Relationships are team work. And Ladies sometimes you may have to compromise a little more, you know men are all ego :-)

Communication is always the key in relationships, it won't survive with out it.

What are yout thoughts on the subject, Ask Y and X wants to hear from you.

What happened to family quality time in the house?

Family quality time seems to be almost obsolete. Parents and children aren't interacting as much as they use too or doing family activities. What is happening to our quality family time?

The are too many excuses being made for not doing family activities these days. Either we don't have time, we are working too much or we are too tired. Family time is important and should be a significant role in our homes. We need to take more time out to spend with family; the lack of family bonding seems to be affecting our households and children. Parents are being disrespected and children are getting neglected.

I remember the days when my family and my friends families would all sit at the dinner table together for dinner every night and breakfast every weekend morning. The times we would all watch TV together, have regular family activities on the weekends or family vacations. Do children grow up into adults that share these same values. Does this make a child have different aspects and goals in life as an adult? The lack of quality time affects the family bond.

We have to find time make the time for each other. Time passes very quickly and you can't get it back, you are stuck with I wish I did things different or the what ifs. Children grow up fast, and old folks get older. Take a few moments to spend time, talk and do things together. Sometimes it is hard to make time but give it a try you would be amazed the difference it would make. Let nothing be more important than your family.

What are your thoughts, share with Ask Y and X.

When should the Relationship end?

In relationships where should the line be drawn to accept all the abuse and mistreatment? When is it ENOUGH?

I have to address the ladies on this subject mainly because that's where I have noticed most of the issues. Why do women hold on to relationships when it is blatant mistreatment going on. I have heard the excuse "we have been together for X amount of years" too many times. Since when does the amount of years justify why your self pride, self worth and value are discredited? Ladies you have to stop making excuses. Stop holding on to a person that is clearly not for you; or waiting to wake up one morning and see a changed person. Why is all your energy focused on saving something that isn't worth or will not change. Kissing a frog and he turning into a prince is only in the fairy tales. For arguments sake let's say at one point this man was your knight in shining armor and one day he changed and hasn't been that person since then. Well clearly his feelings about you changed, whether you did something to make his feelings shift, or he just isn't interested in the relationship anymore. What about the idea that maybe he just was that way to hook you, cause really who is a jerk from day one?

Let's give some examples of mistreatment or abuse (in my opinion). Obviously physical abuse would be the number one example. I'm waiting for the answer to the million dollar question why would you stay with someone that treats you like a punching bag. What about verbal abuse. Calling you names that are demeaning; whore, bitch, slut etc. Add the adjectives stupid or fuckin in the front of those words and it makes it ten times worse. How can you forgive some one for that would belittle you in such a way. If another woman or person that owes you nothing called you that on the street you would be ready to fight. But a person that is suppose to love, cherish and respect you says it and it's ok. Ok he says sorry he didn't mean it he was just mad. FORGET THAT what you say first is usually your true thoughts. Of course we all say things that sometimes we don't mean, and in the heat of the moment, but when it's continuous let's be real. When the relationship has gotten to the point of horrible and cruel insults that is not healthy. The deniel needs to be shaken off and you need to look into the reality of what's in front of you simple and plain.

Relationships and MYSPACE

A discussion was brought to attention about relationships and Myspace. Should there be a limit for people in relationships to frequent the Myspace site? There have been comments made that after a certain age men and women should has no business being social on Myspace especially those in relationships and/or married. It was said Myspace causes issues in some relationships with the man/woman browsing for hours and making friends. It was also thought maybe the party would be contacting these "new friends" on a regular basis and it went to the level of exchanging phone numbers and personal e-mail addresses. Stories were even said that some meetings were scheduled to meet the "new friends" from Myspace.

Now as we know the internet has become the new dating place to meet and chat. If your mate is on Myspace looking for that then they are obviously not that interested in the relationship they are in. To be quite honest Myspace wouldn't be the main issue to worry about, trusting your mate should be. If he/she is on Myspace making friends on Myspace just think of what they are doing in local places like the mall, gas stations, clubs or where they go.

Myspace isn't always the bad guy, there is a large population that use it for advertising, marketing and keeping in touch with personal friends or running into old friends. A lot of businesses advertise, new music artists promote their songs, etc.

Maybe communication should be made within the relationship about the boundries and expectations of browsing Myspace. Or could these be trust issues or insecurities. The main picture that should be addressed is within the relationship itself, why would your mate be looking for love or lust on Myspace in the first place. Hmmmmmm??????

Chat with Ask Y and X and tell us your opinion.

Should you tell your significant other everything?

Is it important to tell your mate everything? The person you consider your soulmate, the one your intimate with, that person you can consider marrying or are already married to. Is it wrong to keep secrets from them? Some will say it's important that your significant other know EVERYTHING from your past relationships, old or new friends, or if you cheated while in the relationship.

Others say no you shouldn't tell every thing about you some things you should keep to yourself, like embarrassing moments, the number of past intimate partners or maybe things you wish you hadn't done. Is it possible to date a person that has secrets? Is not telling considered being dishonest or lying, or are some things no one else's business? A healthy long term relationship (dating or married) should be based on honesty, right.

Should I tell or should I keep the skeleton closet door closed.

Do MEN hesitate to get married?

After how long into a relationship should the subject marriage be brought up? There are couples that date for three years or more and have yet to take the trip down the aisle. Couples move in together without having the understanding of what each one wants out of the relationship, or if it will go to the next level. Should this be okay, and for how long? Some women say men are afraid to commit, are men afraid to make a real commitment or are you the woman that he really wants to marry. This could be communication issues.

Some women are letting men off the hook and making excuses for them not being ready, or the famous line "what's the difference, it's just a piece of paper". If women want to be married but are dating a man that does not, what keeps the relationship going. Is this the man's fault if he has said he does not want to be married. Should women sacrifice complete full happiness waiting? The signs may be there in the relationship whether it will move to that next level, and if marriage is in the future. The question is how long should you willing to wait?

What are your thoughts on this subject.