Dear Ask Y and X

Dear Ask Y and X,

Coincidentally I read your blog today and you are talking about what I like to refer to as dead beat dads; I know because I have one.

I am a single mom of 2 children, boy 6 and girl 8. My husband and I divorced last year and it hasn't been pretty since then. He takes the kids two weekends a month and that's all. For the first 3 or 4 months he did give me money for the kids and then it just stopped. I am always asking him for help financially and with the kids after school activities. He always thinks it's my responsibility to leave my job when the kids are sick at school, pick them up from sport activities and provide for them financially. It has gotten so bad that my bills are behind because I have to make sure all my kids things are paid for and they do need to eat. He acts as if I had them by myself. But what has really got me heated is recently my kids came home and complained they didn't want to go back to their dad's again because his new girlfriend doesn't like them. She always telling them to stay in their room and don't make any noise. When I confronted him about it he had nothing to say. I told him I wouldn't let the kids come over if they are being mistreated. He says I'm over reacting no one is being mistreated. He just doesn't understand just because she's not hitting them verbal is still mistreatment. My kids says she says things to them in a mean tone. I'm not saying my kids are angels but they aren't bad either. They are friendly children and I have taught them to respect everyone. My friends that have kept my kids has never had issues and their teachers always compliments how good they are. That leads me to believe it's her that's got the problem. I will not tolerate my kids being mistreated or feeling uncomfortable, I can just keep them at home. And no they don't have an issue with my husband and I separating. It's not like he was the best father when he lived with us either, but at least he helped out more. I don't know what to do at this point. I am so overwhelmed with everything, I can't think straight. I would like your feedback and what you think.

Yours Truly,

Fed Up!


P.S Love the posts, keep them coming. I have told all my friends about it.

Why must we have drama....pt II (men)

Seems as though "Why must we have drama" stirred up a lot of emotions and there are many requests to discuss the male side. No problem here, so let's discuss.

Why is it after the relationship ends it becomes the mother that is now the acting role of mother AND father? So many single woman are left with the pressures of maintaining the households, bills, and raising the child(ren) alone. To make matters worse there are a high number of males that do not make good efforts to help out financially or spend time with the child(ren). The women are left chasing them to get them to do right by the child(ren) or result to putting them on child support. Why should a parent need to be chased down to take care of their responsibilties? Or why should one have to do it alone? Children don't asked to be here so there should be no reason they have to suffer the consequences made by the parties that created them.

He cheated....now what?

There is clear evidence that your husband/boyfriend has disrespected your relationship. You have had an uneasy feeling that something isn't right between the two of you lately; which drives you to start snooping around. Now you have found yourself checking voicemails, text messages and e-mail. Ah-ha! You have stumbled onto what you have been looking for, but now that you see it is that what you wanted to find. E-mails of conversations with other women, that are obviously more than just platonic friends. Even meeting dates they have had. What do you do? Will you approach him about this; but wait you snooped so are you in the wrong to say something. Or will you just ignore it as if it never happened because you want to keep your man? You know he cheated.....but now what?

I am only there for the sex

The relationship is not so great, but it's not horrible either. The best thing about the relationship is the sex. We don't have any complaints in the bedroom, we do it all the time any and everywhere. And my partner does all kind of wild things that's hard to find someone else to do. We have a good time hanging out as friends we club, party and drink/smoke together; but there are no plans of marriage in the future. I just don't have those kind of feelings. Matter of fact if the sex wasn't so good I would have been left. I sometimes date other people my partner doesn't know about. Now she's pregnant! She wants to get married and have a family. Only she doesn't know how I really feel. I know this is going to hurt her, but I don't want to marry her. I'm not sure if I should tell her or when it's a good time; she is really excited about this. Mean while I wish this was a nightmare I could wake up from.

Why must we have drama

Starting a new relationship with someone with children can be difficult enough with out the added drama from the ex. This can be a little uncomfortable for everyone involved. So what makes women so bitter and angry with the new woman? Can't we all just get along ;-). Obviously it's over between the two of you and he has decided to move on, so at this point it needs to be what's best for the child(ren). If he has met one woman he feels like it could work out with and want to introduce the child(ren) to her, why is it an issue. There are all of these rules all of a sudden, and the number one is don't have my child(ren) around no other women. So now you can only see your child(ren) at the ex house; why does that make sense? Or why does the ex have to be nasty to the new girlfriend, calling the house being rude, making un-necessary comments, or the worse calling her out her name. Is it the new girlfriends' fault your relationship didn't work? Wouldn't it be a good idea to at least try to get along with the person that is going to be spending time with your child(ren); find out who she is and how she is when around the child(ren). Fighting the situation will only make it worse for everyone. Especially when the end result will remain he has moved on and so should you.

Am I not good enough to marry

You have a better chance of catching small pox versus getting married. Are women a plague, or some awful disease men are afraid to catch. Being in a relationship is already a battle at times. You try to bring up the "M" word and it's like you said something foreign. They avoid the conversation totally or it's never the right time. After several years of being in a relationship and it appears to the woman you have something great but to men it's like ::sigh:: ok well guess we may as well go ahead and get married. Or all my friends women have trapped them so I may as well join the crowd. Sorry if that was a proposal you can keep that. Women wait a life time for that one special moment a man asks that question. Really, who wants to be a "may as well" or "nothing else to do"?

I want my man back

Dear Ask Y and X,

I love your site, I first saw your writings on Brownsista(www.brownsista.com) and thought how great it is to talk or secretly vent about real life situations.

Any way I have a situation I want to share and I hope you post it so I can see what others opinions are and get their comments.

I'm a 33 year old woman in love with a man already in a relationship. He isn't aware of my feelings I don't think. I met him through a friend at a party. We saw each other a few times again at other functions and eventually exchanged numbers. We began talking on the phone a lot about everything, he is a fun person to talk to. He told me he has 2 kids and he also has a girlfriend(not the mother of his children). I also have two kids so I suggested he attend a birthday party with me and bring his kids. Since then we hang out all the time, at least 4 to 5 times a week. He is fun and exciting to be around, and we can talk about anything. Now I am wanting more of his time all the time and want more of a relationship rather than friendship with him. He is kind, funny and sexy. Why didn't I meet him sooner.

Well one day I decided I would tell him my feelings so I stopped by his house. I knew he was there because his car was there, but there was also another car in his driveway. I didn't think anything of it so I rang the door bell. He answered and had a surprised look on his face, like oh shit. It seems that other car was his girlfriend. That just made me so mad to see him there with her. He should be my man, I can treat him better. Plus we have a lot in common. Although we don't speak of her much, he hasn't said that he wants to leave her and has never spoke negatively of her. But I figured we were getting closer so eventually she would be out the picture. Well he asked me to leave and said I shouldn't have just came by like that. I told him I tried to call but he didn't answer. Guess it was like when he's with me and don't answer, I just assume it's her calling. My feelings were so hurt, I just cried and said I thought we were going to be together. Again he just asked me to leave.

Now that his girlfriend has figured I am the woman he's been spending so much time with I think she's mad and is leaving him. He didn't say too much just that we could no longer be friends because it's affecting his relationship. I told him let her leave and be with me and that I love him. He said maybe us being friends wasn't such a good idea. But I don't believe that he wants to stop seeing me. I think he loves me too.

What should I do next?

Can having single friends influence the relationship

Your partner clubs or hangs out frequently with his/her friend; and sometimes carries late hours. The friend is constantly asking your partner to go out but your never invited. This friend is always giving bad relationship advice. When you approach your partner about their behavior it causes arguments. But your partners friend is single, so could this be what the issue is. Can your partner having a single friend have an influence on your relationship?

Celebrating the GOOD men

It seems to be the natural to discuss the drama and some how the negative gets most of the focus. Today we are going to talk about the positive. I have been inspired to talk about the GOOD men that are out here and get very little recognition. The hard working, motivated, ambitious, non cheating, honest and kind men. The men that are positive role models, good fathers, open doors and have pillow talk. Yes there are some still some stand up men and they should be acknowledged. Let's celebrate the good men.

We can get back to the drama tomorrow.

Thank you to the good man in my life that inspired me to write this.

Share something positive about your man.

Should you stay in a relationship because you have kids?

A lot of individuals go into relationships or stay in relationships they don't want to because they have a child or children. Then there are the couples that get married not because they feel it's what I want to do but it's the right thing to do for the child(ren). Especially when the relationships aren't good ones and your not happy. Should having children determine your relationship status?